From being given up for adoption at birth to being asked for a divorce I didn’t want, I have many tales of abandonment. I have been down the road of trying to be good enough (a driven perfectionist) so as not to be abandoned. I have been the angry addict bent on self-destruction so I didn’t have to try at all. Most recently, I have closed myself emotionally somewhat in hopes of not being hurt again. None of these pathways bring satisfaction, but each illuminates another aspect of the illusion to finally see the big picture. All along, I have been breaking my own heart by abandoning myself!
How ironic that I made it all about everyone else (being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, available enough, loving enough, hard-working enough, sexy enough, fun enough, loyal enough), and it was never about them! The only person whose love and security are essential for a healthy life and healthy relationships is my own.
My 50 year old inner child is dancing with glee as I recognize that it is me who has continuously abandoned myself and my truth trying to be enough fro others, or refusing to try at all. Now I can fully explore and discover my own personal truth – one outside of society’s dream for me, or my parent’s or lover’s dreams for me. Even as I rebelliously reject another’s dream for me and turn to it’s opposite, motivated by fear or anger instead of self-love, I am being controlled outside of myself. Furthermore, I am done with self-help! It is the opposite of self-love and self-acceptance and has been the driving force in my trying to be enough. It implies incompleteness..
I am finally in a place in my life of truth, vulnerability, curiosity, and discovery of my personal truth. While I thought my next best step was to let go of everything and move away for a time to explore myself without distraction (as I wrote about in my recent blog), I can see how that was my inner trickster avoiding the deepest part of my healing journey. My next best move is to actually stay right here and learn to love myself, my home and land, my business, my relationships, and every aspect of my life just the way it is. From there and only from there will I find deep, lasting peace. Ironically, it is also through complete acceptance and unconditional love that I and every aspect of my life finally evolves into highest potential. By contrast, change for change sake, trying to be better so as to be enough only leads to more of the same.
Gratefully I share this, for I know that in this earthly experience, I am a reflection of you and you are a reflection of me in our Oneness journey of possibilities! Namaste and much love to you.