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How We Disagree (Words Can Hurt!)

What do disagreements sound like in your family?  Do they turn into horrible screaming matches where you are reminded of every wrong you’ve ever done?  Do you walk away scared, ashamed, or embarrassed?  Do you feel loved?

As I’ve shared, I come from a family in which alcoholism dated back to…the dinosaurs?  Anyway, because they didn’t often drink (my folks were a shopaholic and a workaholic), I didn’t understand until my 20s and 30s that we had the same broken communication patterns, and those are especially evident during arguments.  Insults, digging up old disagreements and rehashing them, yelling louder and louder to ‘win’, the idea that someone wins and someone loses, suggesting that not seeing things my way (opinion) means you are stupid (fact), one person allowing insecurities to fuel jealousy that they take out on another person who didn’t do anything to bring them about in the first place…does any of this sound like your family, too?  No one agreed to disagree or tried to learn something new from another disagreeing with them, they simply felt threatened and yelled louder until the other gave up or broke down, which meant the loudest person had finally ‘won’.  How painful!!!  Besides, when everyone in a loving family is hurt, scared, and defeated, how can anyone be a ‘winner’?  Aren’t these the people who are supposed to have our backs no matter what, be in our corner, be on our team?

When there is physical abuse, there are physical signs and we can seek legal action and get protection.  However, we may go years, or even a lifetime, without healing the effects of hurtful, destructive words said to us by loved ones in the heat of an argument.  There are no restraining orders for broken hearts and bruised egos, or destroyed self-esteem, yet they surely shape our lives every day moving forward until we heal that hurt.  We take those broken communication patterns and that win/lose, smart/dumb, right/wrong attitude with us into every relationship, picking the same types of partners, and wonder in the end why that one doesn’t work out either.

Today I simply want to share a very strong reminder that you deserve to love and be loved in a way that builds you and the other person up, so that each of you becomes MORE, not less, of yourselves.  That love begins with loving and healing ourselves so that we can approach others as a whole person and end the cycle of punishing others for our own insecurities and incompleteness.  You deserve to love and grow and heal!

For me, this has not been a weekend retreat or a year alone to heal 30 or 40. It is instead a lifelong process that starts with some deep work and then continues as I grow and change, and more of myself is revealed to me.  However, the Journey to self is our greatest Journey of Possibilities, with God as our navigator loving us through every step of the way.  A good book that helped me begin to open and may do the same for you is Your Sacred Self by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Our parents loved us and raised us the best way they knew.  They were operating within the boundaries of their own family of origin, knowledge, and experiences.  Now it’s up to us to begin here and make our life the best experience possible.  I will admit to having walked through a lot of pain to get where I am.  I will also promise you it’s worth every step along the way to get to a place where I can experience this level of immense joy and love!  I don’t need anyone to complete me but God; I am complete and I feel complete.  Others enhance facets of my life, and this is how relationships should be.  Our disagreements allow me to learn from them an expanded way to view the world and all in it, and we love one another regardless of whether we agree or not.  No more personal insults, painful jabs, or destroyed self esteems.  We build one another up and understand that is how it should be.  I pray that in sharing this with you today you will talk to someone, find a meeting, open a book like Your Sacred Self, and finally begin the most precious Journey you will ever take!  Above all, I know that you matter and you deserve it.


Sheryl Sitts, Founder & Chief Inspirational Officer

Journey of Possibilities


Sheryl’s Blog


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